To: The Lord G-d Almighty a.k.a. Ha'shem, Shadai, Elohim, etc.
From: The Jews: a.k.a. The Chosen People
Subject: Termination of Contract/Special Status (Chosen People)
As you are aware, the contract made between you and Abraham is up for renewal, and this memorandum is to advise you that after, yea, those many millennia of consideration, we, the Jews (The Chosen People) have decided that we really do not wish to renew.
We should point out immediately that there is nothing in writing, and, contrary to popular beliefs, we (The Jews) have not really benefited too much from this arrangement. If you go back to the early years of our arrangement, it definitely started off on the wrong footing. Not only was Israel and Judea invaded almost every year, but we also went to enormous expense to erect not one but two Temples, and they were both destroyed.
All we have left is a pile of old stones called the Western Wall (of course you know all this, but we feel it's a good thing to account for all the reasons we wish to terminate the contract). After the Hittites, Assyrians, Goliaths, etc, not only were we beaten up almost daily, but then we were sold off as slaves to Egypt of all countries, and really lost a few hundred years of development.
Now we realize that you went to a great deal of trouble to send Moses to lead us out of Egypt, and those poor Egyptian buggers were smitten (smote?) with all those plagues. But, reflecting on those years, we are at a loss to understand why it took almost forty years to make a trip that El Al now does in 75 minutes. Also, while not appearing to be ungrateful, for years a lot of people have asked why Moses led us left instead of right at Sinai? If we had gone right, we would have had the oil!
OK, so the oil was not part of the deal, but then the Romans came and we really were up to our necks in dreck. While it's true that the Romans did give us water fit to drink, aqueducts, and baths, it was very disconcerting to walk down one of the vias, look up, and see one of your friends or family nailed to a three-by-four looking for all the world like a sign post. Even one of our princes, Judah Ben Hur got caught up with Roman stuff and drove like a crazy man around the Coliseum. It's a funny thing but many people swore that Ben Hur had an uncanny resemblance to Moses...go figure.
Then, of all things, one of our rabbis (teachers) declared himself "Son of You" (there was nothing said about this with Abe) and before we knew what was what, a whole new religion sprang up. To add insult to injury, we were dispersed all over the world two or three times while this new religion really caught on! We were truly sorry to hear that the Romans executed him like so many others, but, ...alas, (and this will make you laugh,) once again WE were blamed. Now here's something we really don't understand. That our rabbi really came into his own. Millions of people revered and worshipped his name and scriptures. ..... and still killed us by the millions.
They claimed we drank the blood of new born infants, and controlled the world banks (Oy! if only that were so.) We could have bought them all off, and operated the worlds' media and so on and so on. Are we beginning to make our point here?
OK so let's fast-forward a few hundred years to the Crusades. Hoo boy! Again we were caught in the middle! They, the Lords and Knights, came from all over Europe to smack the Arabs and open up the holy places, but before we knew what hit us, they were killing us right, left, and center along with everyone else. Every time a king or a pope was down in the opinion polls, they called a crusade or holy war, and went on a killing rampage in our land.
Today it's called Jihad. OK, so you tested us a little there, but then some bright cleric in Spain came up with the Inquisition. We all thought it was a new game show, but once again we and, we must admit, quite a few others were used as firewood for a whole new street lighting arrangement in major Spanish cities.
All right, so that ended after about a hundred years or so... in the scheme of things not a long time. But every time we settled down in one country or another, they kicked us out! So we wandered around a few hundred years or so, but it never changed. Finally we settled in a few countries but they insisted we all live in ghettoes...no Westchester's of Moscow for us.
There we are in the ghettoes, when what do you know?
The Russians come up with the Pogroms. We all thought they made a spelling mistake and misspelled programs, but we were dead wrong (no pun intended). Apparently, when there was nothing else for them to do, killing the Jews (a.k.a. The Chosen People, are you getting our drift?) was the in thing.
Now comes some really tough noogies. We were doing quite well, thank you, in a small European country called Germany, when some house painter wrote a book, said a few things that caught on and became their leader....whoo boy what a bad day that was for us...you know... your Chosen People.
We don't really know where you were in the earth years 1940 to 1945. We know everyone needs a break now and then.....even Lord G-d Almighty needs some time off. But really...when we needed you most, you were never around.
You are probably aware of this, but if you have forgotten, over six million of your Chosen People, along with quite a few unchosen others were murdered. They even made lampshades out of our skins. Look, we don't want to dwell on the past, but it gets worse!
Here we are, it's 1948, and millions of us are displaced yet again, when you really pull a fast one. We finally get our own land back! Yes!!!
After all these years, you arrange for us to go back... then all the Arab countries immediately declare war on us. We have to tell you that sometimes your sense of humor really eludes us. Ok, so we win all the wars, but it's now 2006 and nothing's changed. We keep getting blown up, hijacked, and kidnapped. We have no peace whatsoever. Enough is enough.
So, we hope that you understand that nothing's forever (except you of course) and we respectfully would like to pull out of our verbal agreement vis-à-vis being your chosen people.
Look, sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Let's be friends over the next few eons and see what happens.
How about this? We're sure you recall that Abraham had a whole other family from Ishmael (the ones who got the oil). How about making them your chosen people for a few thousand years?
The Commitee To Be UN-Chosen
Shimon Peres, Ehud Olmert and Yossi Beilin,
THE TALMUDIST Only if you are Jewish
(or very friendly with Jews and therefore intuitively understand the Jewish mind) will you understand this reasoning:
After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from
Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop, a young man got on and sat next to him.
The scholar looked at the young man and he thought: This fellow
doesn't look like a peasant, so if he is no peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.
But then he thought: On the other hand, since he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ahh, wait! Just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go to Samvet. But why would he travel to Samvet? He is surely going to visit one of the Jewish families there. But how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Aha,
only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs.
And then he continued: But since the Bernsteins are a terrible family, so such a nice looking fellow like him,
he must be visiting the Steinbergs.
But why is he going to the Steinbergs in Samvet? The Steinbergs have only daughters, two of them, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken?>
And continued: But if he came from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? It is Kovacs. But since they allowed him to change his name, he must have special status to change it. What could it be?
Must be a doctorate from the University. Nothing less would do.
At this point, therefore, the scholar of Talmud turns to the young man and said, "Excuse me. Do you mind if I open the window, Dr. Kovacs?">
"Not at all," answered the startled co-passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
The Talmudist had me rolling on the floor. This was my father - word for word! I know those laws well - I grew up in Romania - right between Hungary and Russia. Same shtetl mentality. This story is divine