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The Maccabean Online

Political Analysis and Commentary
on Israeli and Jewish Affairs

"For Zion's sake I shall not hold my peace, And for Jerusalem's sake I shall not rest."



King James Press Release: The Newly Arisen Obama.
 
It has come to pass that BhusseinO, the Appointed Leader, meets the requirements for the Second Coming (or the First, depending on your faith).

July 25, 2008

He ventured forth to bring light unto the world.

The Anointed One\'s pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to his faithful congregants.

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Times:  7,25
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And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.
 
The Child was gracious in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a blessed white person and an African peasant. And yea, as He grew, The Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only an occasional detour into the odd weed or small confusion.
 
When He was twelve years old, they found Him in the Holy Temple of a Learned Priest in the City of Chicago, studying the heavenly wisdom of community organisation with the Prophet Jerewright and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that He opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”
 
In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary, He smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites. And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, The Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring light unto all the world.
 
He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted mainly of His loyal disciples from the tribe of Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.
 
And The Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of darkness were defeated, for as long as The Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows. And the threat of terror was no more.
 
From there He went forth to Mesopotamia where He was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto Him and blessed His Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it. And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush ordered was a terrible waste of military strength and was doomed to end in disaster, The Child\'s very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.
 
And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with The Child and saw that The Child was a bringer of peace. At the mention of His Name they quickly put aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into nuclear ploughshares.
 
From there The Child went up to the City of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The people of the Network Anchors who accompanied him cheered hosanna and waved great palm fronds and strewed flowers at his feet. In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestan, The Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.
 
As word spread throughout the land about The Child\'s wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear Him; Hittites and Abbasiads; Oprawins and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairitans.
And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of The Child\'s coming. Around the world, global temperatures declined and ocean levels fell and the great warming ceased.
 
The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who is blessed with much wisdom, smiled and told his followers that The Child was the savior that generations had awaited. And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.
 
Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because The Child had pronounced it. This is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and it is inscribed in the Times of New York.
 
Then The Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestan and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear His voice, and He preached to them at length.
Then, when He had finished speaking, His disciples told Him the crowd was hungry, for they had had no sustenance all the hours they had waited for Him.
And so The Child told His disciples to fetch some food, but all that they found was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So He took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told His disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, there was still enough to fill twelve baskets.
Thence He travelled west to rest by the springs of Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with The Child, but He was tempted not. At the Tower of Eiffel He lit a burnt offering.
 
On the Seventh Day He walked across the Channel of the Angles to Londobad in the ancient land of the hooligans. There He was welcomed with open arms by the great ruler Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.
 
And suddenly, unto the congregation appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”  THUS IT WAS.